57°
Perhaps more than any lament of the pre-teen parent set, I hear how busy everyone is. We are not talking, of course, about spending days digging wells with our own hands or scratching out a living picking fruit off a sheer mountain cliff. This is Westchester and Connecticut, so we're mostly talking about the considerable schedule of sports games on this baseball field or that soccer field.
Granted, I might be a bit obtuse here, but to my eye, these "so busy it's crazy" suburban parents appear to be spending the bulk of their time sitting in ready-fold chairs, sipping coffee (iced during summer league play) and eating donuts. Don't get me wrong: I love sitting while consuming coffee and donuts. But how in the name of parenting misperceptions and narcissistic overreaction did this come to define "busy"?
The woe of our collective plight actually looks, to me, like a bit of a racket.
Now, whenever my outrage begins to flower, I am certain to get the opinion of a certain source. She is a mental health professional who doubles as my wife and rarely, if ever, agrees with me. But on this one, I knew, she would be on board.
"You need a new topic," Lori said.
"Come again?"
"Would you please get a new topic? This is ridiculous." According to Lori, parents on the sidelines are busy -- not because they are in repose, a half-eaten donut in hand, but because of the array of tasks they are leaving untended.
"You can't do anything while you are watching games," she said. "You can't run errands or do laundry. The busy feeling has to do with being at a game instead of accomplishing other stuff you need to do. What am I supposed to do? Carry loads of laundry to the sidelines? I'm held hostage there until the game ends."
But if the content of our lives is under so much pressure, why do we even go to the games?
"And leave 24 kids, an umpire and two coaches to play in silence? Look, this is ridiculous. Your whole premise makes no sense."
My wife is a beautiful and brilliant and formidable woman and I haven't stayed married 18 years by pressing the issue, whatever the issue. So, well—what do you think? Who is right—me or my formidable wife? Have we lost all perspective in defining our lives, which appear leisurely, as the definition of busy? Or are their cracks in the folding chair and donut façade? You can let me know your take in the space below, on Twitter: @MarekFuchs or by email through marekfuchs.com . Stay mostly civil and I'll be certain to get back to you. If you agree with me, I'll get back to you even quicker. (Just kidding, of course, on that.)
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Marek Fuchs is the author of "A Cold-Blooded Business," called "riveting" by Kirkus Reviews. He wrote The New York Times' "County Lines" column about life in Westchester for six years and teaches non-fiction writing at Sarah Lawrence College, in Bronxville. When not writing or teaching, he serves as a volunteer firefighter. You can contact Marek through his website: www.marekfuchs.com or on Twitter: @MarekFuchs.
Comments (11)
I'm a retired guy with three adult children and I think I attended some 300 of those soccer games, fall and spring. It was absolutely worth it to show my constant support for them; the thought that I did that is one of the most uplifting thoughts it is possible for me to hold in my mind. I read a book recently on advancing in business that included a sentence ridiculing some guy who chose to go to his child's soccer game instead of the supposedly praiseworthy business task, implying that he was choosing an indulgence. Those games were never an indulgence for me. They were often boring and hence a sacrifice but one I'll absolutely never regret.
Sorry to say, I side with the mom. After watching years and years of little league, soccer, etc. on sidelines for 3 boys, I can agree it is time-consuming. It's not only the games, but practices and taking turns supplying snack for the masses, getting gear, lugging gear, carpooling to away games, and more. Not to mention, when having to factor in many other at home responsibilities, it did not jive well with improving my golf game! However, notwithstanding freezing soccer days by the harbor and rain-soaked muddy sidelines at baseball, I must say the day when one of my kids told me he didn't want me to come anymore to the games actually made me sad.
Dear cpormeranz: Siding with my wife, are you? Ugh, that's what always happens. In all seriousness, you make really good points about away games, supplying snacks and all those other little tasks that have to be done before you can take your seat. They certainly add up. Bad for the golf game indeed. Best, Marek
Oh, Mr. Fuchs. Clearly you are not the person in your family who has laundry and grocery shopping and cleaning and making meals and helping with homework, in addition to holding down a full time job on your mind. This is why, in my estimation, you were overwhelmed by the prospect of being home with your sons while your wife was away with your daughter for a week, a while back. Sounds to me like your wife, and most women (though there are great dads/husbands out there who take on these reponsibilities as well), are the ones juggling too many balls. And so, when they're lugging kids to practice or being supportive at games, they are indeed thinking about all the chores they need to cram into a now smaller amount of time and thus are very busy. Clearly, these things that your family needs are not on your radar. And so, when you are sitting at games, you have the luxury of just enjoying your coffee and donuts. And when you're done, you benefit from someone else having taken care of those things for your family. I respectfully suggest that you look at the balance of responsibilites in your marriage and family. And then either start being a true partner in the deal or let your wife choose your column themes. (Kudos to your wife and her wisdom.)
Dear Trishna: Let me wife choose my column themes?! Wait a minute--Lori, is that you? Look: I didn't even open this can of worms, but: I coach. I coach CYO basketball, Little League--and multiple teams. You name it, I coach it. That's why the lament--I'm so busy from the sidelines--sounds even more ridiculous. I'm providing hours of free babysitting a week, no? And you're the busy one? Best, Marek
It's great you coach so much. We need good people in those roles. When you are done with all the coaching, do you come home and make dinner for the family, and launder the dirty clothes of you and your kids? Do you then help with homework and baths and make sure everyone is in bed? You seem to keep missing the point. You choose too coach. You can drop any one of those if your life got too hectic. But making dinner, doing laundry, taking care of the needs of kids (and spouses) etc isn't an avocational activity we can just decide is too much for us and drop from our to-do list. Those people on the side-lines complaining about being too busy may actually lead a different life than you. Perhaps you can be open to that, at least.
Well, since you asked...
The folks at the games sitting in fold out chairs that you mention should count their blessings. If they are able to spend quality time paying attention to pursuits their children love, and supporting them, they have a gift worth more than gold. I find it sad when parents complain about "having to go to watch a game." If they are spending that time in those chairs focused on the children and becoming part of the team with their children, they are adding value to their children's lives - what could be more important?
Perhaps they should think about the parents who don't get to be with their children because they have 3 jobs, or because their children are away for visitation with an ex-spouse every-other weekend, or who can't get to the game because they are in traffic returning from court trying to keep their home out of foreclosure... or all of the above. If these parents could come out of themselves and really be present for their kids, they would be honoring all of the parents who can't be there by offering an example of strong family life. And heck, they might even notice the children whose parents can't make it and give an extra cheer or two for them - maybe even bring them an orange slice as a refreshment at half time....
And to that end, maybe they can think about the kids that are not there; the kids whose parents couldn't afford the outrageous prices for most team events; the kids who have to work to keep food on the table in their homes; the kids who are having to grow up too fast by raising their siblings; the kids who have parents who don't or won't care enough to be bothered with raising them and are on the streets making the choices that suit them in the moment...
Put your phones away, get your carmel lattes, sit down, and watch your child in all of his/her glory. The laundry will wait.
Wow. You hit the nail on the head. Do we all just need something to complain about? Personally, I love being able to sit and do nothing but watch soccer every Sunday in the fall and spring. The laundry and dishes will surely be there when I return home. And quite frankly, I appreciate having the excuse from housework. "How could I possibly weed this morning when I have a soccer game to watch!" Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments.
In regards to a comment made by a different reader, we all have a lot to do, not just moms (I am a mother of 3 with a full time job). This has much more to do with perspective than the length of our to do lists!
Thanks, dsparta. Support has been hard to come by on this one....but--yes, yes: we all seem to need something (anything!) to complain about. Our time spent on sidelines is just an easy target. And you are right: we probably manufacture excuses to justify not doing what we don't want to do. You are a breath of fresh air to a besieged writer. Bless You, Marek
That was beautifully said, squirtom. I have noting to add, save for the fact that I received a few emails saying how your words struck a chord. Please stay in touch in this space, if you have the time and inclination. Thanks again. Best Wishes, Marek